I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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