Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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