apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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