I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
