do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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