worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
