its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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