I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
