Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
