she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't put those talents on a resume
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