You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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