He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
