Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
