I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
