Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
