Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
