how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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