I'm so fucking centered right now
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
