I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
