YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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