I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
