fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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