i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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