just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
