I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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