when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
