we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
3 2 1 whiskey
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
