I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Randomize
