90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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