Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
