Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
