I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
