I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
