when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
