Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I love you. Go after that dick
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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