You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
