I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
