The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
