so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
