I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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