i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
