OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
