that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
