i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
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MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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