checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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