If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
