I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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