I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
