See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
