yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
