oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
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the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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