Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
