im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
