I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
