Clothes are such an inconvenience.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
