The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
